Drowning Lessons
by Confused Panda Bear
Summary: [M-Rated and on hiatus] Tears spilt down her cheeks unchecked; hot, angry droplets that just keep coming, no matter how hard she tried to blink them away. Gou was crying over Nanase Haruka again, and it feels just like drowning.


**Drowning Lessons**

 **By Confused Panda Bear**

* * *

 **Part I.**

* * *

Gou was only four years old when her father passed away, and though she was sure she had shed many tears for his death, the memories were so distant and hazy that she did not know if they were real, or if she had made them up in her head.

She remembered crying for her brother however, the day he left to study in Australia. They were tears of loneliness that had lasted for days.

Rin made her cry again when he returned, and didn't once try to contact her when he did – but she had gotten over it – hardened herself against his indifference, and learnt how to get on with her life.

Because Gou was sick of crying, and by now, she was used to being left behind.

And that was why she could not understand the tears that just kept falling for Nanase Haruka.

It wasn't as if she had never experienced a break up before.

Gou had accumulated a history of crushes and irrelevant ex-boyfriends before Haru had come along, that she knew the drill by heart.

She threw away the gifts he gave her, replaced the picture frames and changed her relationship status on all of her social networking sites.

She called her friends, who were quick to her side with ice cream and _Disney_ DVDs, and spent a whole weekend complaining about men and being told repeatedly that there were 'plenty of other fish in the sea.'

Gou was trying – god knows she was trying her best to get over him – because every morning without fail, she would wake up with a smile and promise to herself that: 'today would be the day she won't cry over Nanase Haruka'!

But she knew in an instant that today wasn't that day either when she spotted him before he even saw her, unintentionally picking out his head of black hair amongst the body of students hurrying to their classes.

Their gazes met across the busied corridor at an almost physical collision.

His blue eyes graced her with the briefest, most indifferent glance, before he turned his back on her and left her fighting for the air that he had so effortlessly knocked out of her lungs.

The tears that spilt down her cheeks unchecked were the kind that only fell for him, and the kind that just kept coming, no matter how hard she tried to blink them away.

They were always silent, angry droplets that pooled at her chin, wrecking muffled sobs behind from her hands that gripped and choked at her throat, until she felt as if she simply couldn't breathe anymore.

Gou was crying over Nanase Haruka again – and it feels just like drowning.

* * *

 _Gou had woken up that morning, senses assaulted by the mid-morning sunlight streaming through Haruka's bedroom window._

 _His arm was draped across her stomach, and the fingers tracing circular patterns along her hipbone told her that he was awake and probably had been for a while._

 _Gou relaxed into his chest, stifling a yawn. "What time is it?"_

" _t's just gone eleven," he answered her offhandedly, and her whole body startled into awareness._

" _Huh?! It's that late?" Gou threw her head back against her pillow, sending the boy an unappreciative pout._ " _Why didn't you wake me?!"_

 _He complained;_ "y _ou shout at me when I wake you, you shout at me when I don't…"_

 _She laughed as he rolled her onto her back, rearing over her sinuously._

"… _What am I going to do with you…?"_

 _His voice trailed off as he got carried away with his caresses, his kisses threaded with tender words that she could lose herself in forever._

" _Wait, don't we have practice in an hour…?" Gou said with delayed realization._

 _Haru hummed distractedly, and her vision is obstructed by his head of black hair that was currently nuzzling into junction of her neck._

 _She felt his hot tongue dip into the hollow of her collarbone, in attempt to wrestle the reasoning from her._

"… _We should really get up soon, Haru."_

 _He continued to ignore her however, so she bent her arms up between them, drawing a murmur of protest from low his throat._

" _What is this?" Gou spoke with exaggerated incredulity. "Nanase Haruka, the boy who loves water,_ doesn't _want to go swimming?"_

" _Maybe, I love something else more," he mused lazily, and her face flushed a few shades closer to her hairline._

 _Over years together and there was still nothing more disarming than being on the receiving end of one of Nanase Haruka's deadly smiles._

" _F–Flattery isn't going to get you anywhere, Haruka-senpai!" Gou switched to 'manager' mode to regain authority, initiating a head-on staring match that ended with Haru groaning in defeat._

" _Fine," he resigned. "But we're having mackerel for breakfast."_

" _Eh?!" Gou went to object, but the boy was already fast on his way to the kitchen. "Wait a second, Haruka-senpai~!"_

 _She pouted after him, only permitting herself the slightest smile when he was out of view._

 _Hauling herself out of bed to follow, Gou yawned and stretched her arms that bumped against the lamp on the nightstand by accident._

 _She scrambled to catch it before it fell, but succeeding in that, knocked over the textbooks that were piled next to it._

 _Cursing at her clumsiness, Gou bent down to retrieve them._

 _She did not pay attention to the titles, concentrating only on clearing up the mess she had made, until her eyes caught a narrow piece of paper that had slipped from between their pages and onto the floor by her feet._

 _It was clearly something Haru hadn't wanted her, or anyone to see; but she reached to examine it all the same._

 _It was an airline ticket, with a departure date a little over a month away._

" _Haru?" Gou walked into the kitchen, where Haru was making mackerel and toast, despite her earlier sentiments. "Are you visiting your parents next month?"_

 _Haru spun around from the stove to look at her, eyes flying wide open when he spotted the ticket in her hand._

" _W–where did you get that?"_

 _Gou blinked at his offbeat tone. "I…I was just clearing up and it fell–"_

"– _Why are you going through my stuff?" he demanded, his voice biting through the air in a way that caused her to reel backwards with alarm._

" _I'm sorry, I didn't mean…"_

 _Gou hadn't thought much of the ticket when she found it._

 _Haru was never one to inform her of every single detail of his life, and she had never expected him to._

 _She had no idea why he was reacting this way to what she believed was just an innocent enquiry._

"… _It's not a big deal, right?" Gou continued lightly. "It's good that you're seeing your parents. You haven't seen them in a while, right?"_

 _He stared at her blankly and she forced a smile onto her face, desperate to ease the tension between them._

" _When will you be returning?" she pressed. "Will you be home in time for regionals?"_

 _Without responding, Haru turned his back on her and towards the stove, his actions followed by an eternity of silence that emanated a sense of impending disaster._

" _Look at the ticket, Kou," he finally spoke. "It's one way."_

 _It took her an awfully long time to put two and two together, but when she did, Gou stared down at the offensive paper in her hands and felt her entire world plummet from underneath her feet._

" _I'm not coming back."_

 _Her head flew up to his attention._

" _W–What do you mean?" she demanded, the instant she regained her voice. "What do you mean you're 'not coming back'?"_

 _He didn't even have the decency to turn around and look at her properly._

 _Instead, he angled his sculpted profile over his shoulder, answering her without an inch of remorse:_

" _I'm moving. I'm attending college in the US and living with my parents."_

 _Gou stared numbly back at him, completely shorn of a reaction._

 _His impassive expression was just about as emotionally uninformative as his tone of voice._

 _He spoke as if the matter did not concern her, as if she were supposed to accept the information without need for an explanation._

" _I…I didn't know you were…looking at colleges overseas?" Gou opted for the most neutral response._

 _A shrug ensnared his shoulders._

" _My parents wanted me to."_

" _And you…you didn't think to run this by me?!" she finally snapped, her voice rising dangerously out of her control._

 _Haru responded flatly, uninterestedly:_

" _I didn't know I had to 'run things by' you, Kou."_

 _And the silence of her disbelief pulsed between them._

 _He should have just slapped her, Gou thought – she was sure it would have hurt just as much._

 _Because there is no physical manifestation of heartbreak – just the treacherous stream of consciousness that strived to pinpoint exactly when and how her world had fallen apart._

 _And she couldn't find it._

 _It didn't make sense to her._

 _How could she have woken up in his arms that very same morning, and felt his honeyed words against her skin – only for them to be denounced as lies given the way he acted so indifferently towards her now?_

 _Gou blinked hard through her blurring vision, setting her jaw tight with the bitterness that followed her grief._

" _If you feel that way, then maybe we shouldn't be together!" she condemned with splintering fury._

 _Though a hand clamped over her mouth in immediate regret._

 _Her heart was thundering in her chest, ears ringing as the minutes lengthened the growing distance between them._

 _Haru paused in whatever he was doing, shoulders slumped, hands flat on the kitchen counter for support._

 _Eventually, he cocked his head at only the slightest fraction to look at her, and a dark shadow cast over his angled features: a statement of complete indifference._

"… _Do what you want, Kou," he said._

* * *

"…crying in the bathroom…"

"…her boyfriend broke up with her…"

"…leaving for the US…"

"…who…?"

"…upperclassman, Nanase Haruka, from the swim team…"

Gou ducked her head from words whispered behind prying hands, and wondered when her break up had become a source of entertainment for the entire student body.

It had taken all of her lunch break and every cosmetic technique she knew to conceal the redness around her eyes, but the turning heads and pitying looks she still managed to receive left her questioning why she had even bothered.

And if it were not for Hana staying loyally by her side, Gou was sure that she would not have made it through the day.

The brown haired girl was being a dutiful friend, drowning out the voices with her own and talking loudly about anything and everything else but the blue-eyed boy that seemed to be on everybody's minds.

At that moment, she was listing a string of names that Gou could barely put faces to, of guys who had apparently expressed interest in her recent availability.

"We need to get you back out there!" she heard her say. "Find you someone new – someone better…!"

She chose not to respond, and Hana wrecked her brains for someone that might spark her interest.

"…There's always that captain from your brothers swim team," she suggested coyly. "Didn't he really like you a while back…?"

Gou bit back a mordant response.

She had put her entire heart and soul into her relationship with Haru, that the thought of finding someone else and starting all over again seemed absolutely exhausting to her.

She desperately wanted to believe what people said – that Haru was just another boy, a phase – one of those things that happen seventeen that she would eventually outgrow.

But she had fallen in love with him, so deeply that it was difficult to remember anyone who came before, and painful to think of anyone who would come after.

And because of this, she never wanted to love again, wisened to the reality that 'love' wasn't all that it was cracked up to be.

It was like having your entire prospect of happiness rest on another human being, to trust them with the power to either make or break your entire world.

At least, that was how it felt to Gou – and look where it left her.

"...Hey Gou, are you even listening?" Hana waved an obstructive hand in front of her eyes.

Amber orbs blinked into awareness.

"Huh?"

The brown-haired girl dealt her an exasperated look, but decided not to call her out on it.

"I was talking about Tachibana-senpai," Hana paraphrased. "I finally gathered up the courage to ask if he wanted to hang out this weekend, but he said he was busy…"

She did not have to elaborate anymore than that for Gou to understand what she was requesting.

Hana had been infatuated with the older boy ever since he called her 'cute' at the summer festival last year, and had been pining for his interest ever since.

"…I could speak to him for you, if you like?" Gou offered, and Hana thanked her exaggeratedly.

Afterwards, she cited that she had a meeting with the vice-principle about the running club, and requested that Gou 'stay put' so that they could walk home together.

The redhead complained that her broken heart did not sanction treatment similar that of an infant, and true to her word, made her way to the school's outdoor swimming pool as soon as Hana left.

Walking tentatively across the tiled floors, Gou gazed across the calm expanse of the waters surface, and marveled at how somewhere as familiar as home could make her feel so out of place at the same time.

Practice had already ended that day, but for reasons she did not care to think about, she wanted to stick around and be near the water for a while.

Alerted by the screeching of the rusty metal gate, Makoto emerged from the supply cupboard to greet her.

"Gou-chan!" he called, genuinely surprised.

"Ma–Tachibana-senpai," Gou spoke, with noticeable reserve.

She caught a frown pull momentarily across his handsome features, before replacing it with his trademark smile.

"Hey, there's no need for that," he chided her lightly. "Despite everything that's happened, we're still friends, right?"

His smile was so friendly, Gou was almost fooled into believing it.

They stumbled through the formalities, asking each other of how they were and what they'd been up to since they last spoke.

Makoto largely governed the flow of conversation, venting his stress over college entrance exams and training for regionals; all the while, tactically avoiding topics that would involve any mention of Haru until Gou brought him up herself.

"And how…" she eventually and inevitably asked. "How is…he?"

Makoto struggled for an answer that wouldn't upset her.

How can he tell her that Haru was completely fine, acted as if nothing had happened, as if everyone but himself seemed to acknowledge the empty space by his side that Gou had once, and for a long time, occupied.

"Uh, I haven't seen him a whole lot myself actually," he lied unskillfully. "He's quite busy with packing, as you can imagine."

Gou stooped her head to hide her eyes and he regretted mentioning Haru's move in an instant.

"That's right," she spoke in a wavering voice. "He's…he's leaving soon, isn't he?"

"Yes, in just over a week I think," Makoto replied, just as despondently.

Gou had nothing to say to that, letting her head bow lower and her grip tighten on her schoolbag to will her unwanted emotions away.

Makoto put a hand on her shoulder, reassuringly.

"No one knew, Gou. We would have told you if we did. It was just as much as a surprise to me than it was to you, but…" he allowed himself a knowledgeable smile. "You know how Haru is. I'm sure he has his reasons."

Gou nodded silently – not in understanding, but in reluctant acceptance – and Makoto was lost for anything else he could say to comfort her.

"Is there anything I can help you with?" he suggested kindly. "Haru's already left, but you need to speak to him, he's–"

"–I actually came to speak to you," Gou interrupted, thankful for the change of topic.

Taken by surprise, it took Makoto longer than he would have liked to produce a response.

She continued; "It's about my friend Hanamura Chigusa – you've met her before"

"Uh, yes," Makoto finally managed, "she comes to cheer for us competitions sometimes, right?"

"Right!" Gou forced an encouraging smile. "The thing is, she really likes you. I know you're probably busy with regionals and college applications, but maybe you could consider–"

"–I'm sorry, Gou-chan," Makoto cut into her speech, as politely as he could. "But I can't date her."

Gou was taken aback by his uncharacteristic frankness.

"Why not?"

"Well, the thing is…" he faltered, "I…I like someone else…"

His hesitation didn't go unnoticed by the red haired girl, who blinked up at him with inadvertently expectant eyes.

He smiled at that, albeit sadly.

"…You."

* * *

 _They teetered between the lines of 'friends' and 'lovers,' their manager/vice-captain relationship, compromised whenever they found themselves alone after practice._

 _Haru would treat like he always did around the others._

 _She was his manager, just 'Rin's little sister' at one minute – but the next, he'd be pushing her up against lockers like she was the most desirable woman in the world._

 _And Gou would let him; let his hands roam and tongue slip against hers because it felt like they were sharing secrets – and there was nothing more sought after than the secrets that Nanase Haruka kept._

 _Afterwards, Gou would ask him what they were doing, where this was going exactly – but he'd always avoid an answer with an abstract phrase that was more confusing than it was informative:_

" _Don't think about it, Kou."_

"… _What?"_

" _Just be free."_

" _But, Haruka-sen–"_

"– _Dive in with your heart."_

"… _I don't understand what any of that means, Haruka-senpai…"_

 _After almost two months in and they didn't know what they 'were.'_

 _Or rather, Gou knew exactly what she_ wanted _them to be, but for some reason, Haru wasn't so sure._

 _He liked her, more than he had liked anyone else before and more than he let himself let on, so he had no idea what was holding him back._

 _Perhaps he was terrified of how fast he was falling for her – but even then, he didn't know what it was about it that scared him so much._

 _All he knew was that Gou was rapidly losing her patience with him, and if he didn't man up and get his act together soon, he would lose his chance with her for good._

 _The redhead was by the poolside with her brother, wishing him luck for the hundred-meter free race that Haru was also taking part in._

 _He watched Rin ruffle her hair and send her on her way just as the race was about to start, and for a split second, Haru was devastated that she wouldn't see him off as well._

 _Fortunately, he was caught in her line of vision, and she quickly approached his lane to offer him a pep talk like the good manager that she was._

"… _Just remember what you learnt at training camp and you'll be okay!"_

" _S–sure…"_

 _It had been the perfect opportunity to kiss her – he couldn't think of a single reason why he didn't – and judging by the look on her face, neither could she._

 _The disappointment that flickered in her eyes was hard to miss._

" _Well, uh," she said, retreating back towards the bleachers. "Good luck then, Haruka-senpai!"_

 _Haru watched her ponytail disappear into the crowds; the disjointed sentences of the things he could never bring himself to say scraping at the backs of his teeth._

" _Hey, you're Nanase Haruka, right?" the boy in lane three greeted him, as they assembled by their starting blocks._

" _Yeah," Haru responded shortly, but the guy didn't seem fazed by his standoffish behavior._

 _Instead, he introduced himself as captain of the Oga South swim club, and driveled on about how much he had heard a lot about Haru and how had been training hard for their race._

 _Haru remained silent throughout his incessant chatter, sensing that the guy had an ulterior motive for speaking to him and waited patiently to find out what it was._

" _So...the redhead you were just talking to," lane three finally came to his point. "Is she your girlfriend or what?"_

 _Haru faltered with his swimming cap._

" _We're...sort of seeing each other," he replied, vaguely._

 _The guy had enough respect to back down after that, and even went as far as to congratulate Haru on his 'catch.'_

 _He clapped Haru on the shoulder._

" _Man, I'd definitely be as fast as you if I had a girl like_ that _waiting for me at the finish line!" he added with an impudent grin, and Haru was saved from a response by the sound of a whistle blowing, indicating for the competitors to take their marks._

 _For some reason, it took a moment longer for him to register the sound._

" _Well, good luck!" lane three chimed into his senses, and Haru scrambled to pull his goggles over his eyes._

" _Y–Yeah. You too."_

 _Another whistle blew and Haru hooked his toes over the edge of the starting block, crouching into diving position._

 _At the cue of a buzzer, he launched himself into the water, streaking beneath its surface at an impressive speed._

 _For the split second he resurfaced for breath, Haru found himself frantically searching for a particular face in the crowd._

 _When he couldn't find her, he went under again, for two…three…four strokes before he resurfaced, and – damn it – he still couldn't see her._

 _It was surprising; how a stranger's words with such empty meaning had so much impact on him in the end._

 _Because for the whole duration of the race, nothing else crossed his mind but her._

 _He did not register the swimmers in the other lanes, or even think about the need to win – his thoughts fixated, almost obsessively, on the single memory of Gou asking him:_

" _Why do you swim, Haruka-senpai?"_

 _And before today, Haru had no reason._

 _He reached the far wall before any of the other competitors, where he tumble-turned and bulleted through the water for the final stretch: swimming home, swimming for gold, and swimming for her._

 _Her name resounded as rhythmically as his heartbeat in his ears:_

' _Kou,' he thought._

' _Kou is waiting for me at the finishing line.'_

 _A hand slapped against the pool wall and Haru emerged from the water with an eruption of sound._

 _His ears were ringing, barely registering the commentator's announcement that 'Nanase Haruka in lane four has set a new a tournament record for the hundred-meter free!'_

 _He ripped his swimming cap off and gathered the last energy to haul himself out onto the side of the pool, where he was greeted by his ecstatic teammates._

" _Haru-chaaan~! You did it!"_

" _Haru, that was amazing!"_

" _You were incredible, Haruka-senpai! Truly inspiring!"_

 _But the boy seemed to look right through them._

" _Where…where's Kou?" Haru demanded through labored breaths, and met with three bewildered faces, pushed past them and took off towards the bleachers._

" _Ah – Haru?!" Makoto called after him. "Where are you–?!"_

 _It didn't take him long to find her – she was already on her way to see him – and how quickly she had appeared from the crowd caught him off guard._

 _Gou picked up her pace for a congratulatory hug, arms only faltering when she detected the seriousness of Haru's expression._

" _What's wrong, Haruka-senpai?"_

" _Kou," he heaved, apparently still recovering from the race. "I…I have something to say to you."_

" _What is it?" she blinked, and Haru felt his stomach drop somewhere around the region of his toes._

" _My…" he managed, "my reason for swimming…"_

 _Stumped by his words, Gou regarded him warily, tilting her head in confusion._

 _Reacting in panic, Haru closed the gap between them without a second's thought._

 _The kiss he placed on her lips was unlike any of the others before; the kind that could express a saga of words that he never could._

 _They pulled apart after what felt like hours and Haru sighed, berating himself under his breath._

 _Gou laughed at that, "what's wrong?" she asked and Haru blushed in spite of everything._

" _I was supposed to kiss you after I said what I had to say."_

 _Encouragingly, she tiptoed up to kiss him again, her lips curving into a smile against his in silent reassurance._

 _It didn't matter that he never got round to whatever he had to say, because to Gou, that moment was perfect – and would have been perfect in every way, if not for Rin's voice bellowing:_ "WHAT THE HELL, HARU?!" _from the other side of the pool._

* * *

Chigusa Hanamura was worried about her best friend.

Lately, there were days where she was reluctant to leave her on her own.

Today was one of those days.

"Gou?" she called out through the deserted school halls.

She had left the girl to her own devices for a mere fifteen minutes, and now, she was nowhere to be seen.

Gou had scolded her earlier – _"don't treat me like a baby, Hana-chan!"_ – but it was difficult not to be concerned about a girl who would spend her lunch breaks crying bathrooms, who hardly sleep or eat unless someone reminded her to.

Hana had even taken it upon herself to walk her home whenever she could, because without someone keeping a close eye on her, believed that Gou would end up doing something reckless, like –

– she came to a startling realization, mid-stride.

 _Surely, she wouldn't…?_ Hana mused fretfully, but by the way she found herself breaking into sprint towards the school's swimming pool, told her that she probably _would_.

Reaching the gated entrance in no time, Hana grasped at the metal fence to steady herself, doubling over onto her knees to catch her breath.

Straightening up, her green eyes came to focus on the figures standing at the far end of the pool – who were none other than her best friend and upperclassmen, Tachibana Makoto.

A shiver ran up her entire backbone in daunting premonition, when she noted that they were standing closer than she deemed appropriate.

And then she watched, struck motionless with shock, as Makoto pulled her arms around her, with Gou's head of red hair tilted up to meet his head of brown.

* * *

 _They had been dating – 'officially' – for over a month now, and it had consisted four weeks of Haru struggling to get her alone._

 _He figured it had something to do with her older brother, where the astonishing number of times the boy turned up at their dates uninvited lead Haru to believe that his sporadic appearances were far from just 'happy coincidences.'_

 _But summer break was over now and Rin was back boarding at Samezuka, and with their mother away for several weeks on business, Haru was offered his chance and he grabbed at it._

 _Gou had asked him over to help her study, and of everywhere she could have chosen for them to sit – at her desk or even on the floor – Gou had chosen her bed._

 _Haru was seated opposite her, crossed legged on her duvet like the awkward guest that he was, whilst Gou lay comfortably with an elbow propped up to support her head – her feminine curves more apparent to him now than ever before._

 _With the end of her pen between her teeth, she stared down her textbook that lay between them, the impressive length of her eyelashes batting against her cheekbones as she tried to make sense of the words on its pages._

 _She was nothing short of incredible, and Haru couldn't help but take the pen from her mouth and replace it with his own._

" _Hey," she said as soon as they parted. "This isn't studying."_

" _Sorry," Haru apologized emptily. "I couldn't help myself," and sent her stomach cartwheeling._

" _Really?"_

 _He hooked his fingers under her chin and kissed her again as answer._

 _A fantastical thrill ran down the entire length of her spine._

" _H–Haruka-senpai! I need to pass this exam!" she scolded, before they could get carried away. "Come sit next to me and help me with this question," she patted the space next to her. "You can't read upside down!"_

 _Obediently, Haru crossed the bed and settled down behind her without a word of protest._

 _He watched over her head as she made her notes, contributing occasional corrections whenever she misread something or made a mistake in her writing._

 _She did not know why she thought the increase proximity would help her concentration because the more time passed, the more Haru allowed himself to move against the shape of her, covering her body with his own until there wasn't a single gap between them._

 _He chanced a kiss at her neck and felt her pulse jump underneath his lips._

 _But she didn't speak or move to stop him, so he took that as permission granted, letting his hands roam over her legs, hips and waist like he had mapped them out himself and the words in her textbook were soon swimming across the pages._

 _Gou was fevered with intense awareness of him, of everything he was doing to her – of his fingernails grazing up her leg and under her skirt._

 _Instinct made her move against him and she noted with delight, the irregularity of his breathing._

 _She let her head loll back into the caress of his lips._

" _Y–You're not a very good teacher, Haruka-senpai…"_

" _I never claimed to be," he replied thickly._

" _But I need to study–"_

"– _We can study afterwards."_

 _In a span of a breath, he was on top of her, his mouth finding hers with expert precision, and she looped her arms around his neck in a desperate plea to have him even closer._

 _Fingers laced through her hair and worked to relieve her of her clothes, and Gou was left surprised at her own impatience for him._

 _She had seen Haru undress himself in literally seconds, yet he was taking his sweet time with the buttons of her shirt._

" _Haru…!" came a dragged complaint, but the way the corners of his lips curved upwards at her agitation told her that he was doing it on purpose._

 _Her shirt fell open – 'finally!' she thought – and his hands and mouth and tongue were employed on every inch of her that he had discovered._

 _But in the heat of the moment, it seemed, he tore away to appreciate her, his intense gaze blazing over her skin and tightening over her bones._

 _Gou dared to look up at him, her chest rising and falling with arduous breathing and he just couldn't take his eyes off of her – lying beneath him with her shirt undone and her skirt bunched up around her hips._

" _Your perfect," he concluded breathlessly, his statement rolling off his tongue in a way that left her trembling._

" _We're not going to get much studying done, are we?" though it was hardly a complaint._

" _No, I don't think so…" Haru said, and Gou didn't do very well on her test the next day._

* * *

Tachibana Makoto was nothing short of the perfect gentleman.

Maybe it was the responsibility of his two younger siblings that inspired his caring and selfless nature – but Gou would never have guessed that this trait would also translate into his sex life.

" _Is it okay if I kiss you again?"_

He kept asking.

" _Is it okay if I take off your shirt?"_

" _Is it okay if I touch you here?"_

Gou understood that he was nervous, but the endless questions he threw at her only left her second-guessing.

It was like she was in a daze.

She could not recall exactly how she had gotten herself into this situation in the first place.

Makoto had stunned her with his unexpected confession, and kissed her when she didn't respond, and the next thing she knew, they were walking hand in hand back to his house and stumbling through his bedroom door in each other's arms.

He grappled at her uniform and following suit, Gou fumbled with the clasp of his belt.

She almost laughed out loud with the surprise she feels when she takes off his pants and doesn't find that he's wearing swimsuit underneath.

Then it hits her like a freight train.

She has no idea what she is doing, and why she is doing this.

All she knows is that she's comforted by his arms around her, and the feeling of his tongue filling her mouth – even though he doesn't hold her like she's used to, or kiss her the way she wants to be kissed.

Makoto loomed over her on his hands and knees and she risks a peek up at him.

The expression on his face tells her that he can't believe this is happening either.

"Gou, is it okay if I–?"

"– _Yes_!" she shouts through gritted teeth, and he misreads her irritation as impatience for him.

She watched disorientedly as he ripped a foil packet between his teeth, and wonders why on earth she isn't doing a thing to stop him.

He slides into her and she feels numb.

Makoto's body is magnificent – she was very much aware of this before.

He's much larger and more defined than Haru is; a masterpiece of bone, muscle and taut, sun-kissed skin.

She marvelled his impressive arms, flexing to hold himself up, and his broad shoulders rearing over her in his movements. He rocked his narrows hips into her, and she clawed at the definition of his back that was practically gleaming with the exertion.

"Oh god, you feel incredible," he says, but she shut her eyes against his words.

Instead, she is unusually demanding, breathing instructions into his ear – " _harder…faster, Makoto-senpai!"_ – somehow coming to the ridiculous conclusion that he could drive the misery out of her.

She wants him to be bolder, because Haru never hesitated when he wanted her.

She wants him to pull her hair and to kiss her until she bruises, because she liked the purpled marks that Haru left on her skin, and the way he marvelled at them afterwards with artist's hands.

Matching her every request, Makoto slung her legs over his shoulders and she screams his name to block the voice that's telling her it just doesn't feel _right_ – no matter how hard she tries to tell herself otherwise.

He brings them both to a juddering climax, hips jerking and hands gripping at the bed sheets to the point of almost tearing.

He collapsed on top of her, winding her with his weight, though the pain was nothing in comparison to the emptiness that followed only moments afterwards.

Brushing the hair out of her eyes, he offers her that angelic smile of his, and for a split second, Gou couldn't help but smile back.

Because, through her whitewashed vision, he is amazing, absolutely breathtaking – the only thing wrong with him being that he wasn't Haru.

"You're perfect," he told her with unwavering sincerity – but coming from him, Gou felt like the furthest thing from it.

* * *

 _Their first fight was over something so stupid that even to this day, neither of them can remember who had started it and what it was about._

 _Haru had been acting off with her for days before Gou gathered the courage to confront him – and the single fact that she had no idea what she had done wrong was enough to make him explode._

 _Haru was never the ideal boyfriend._

 _He could be absent and outwardly uncaring about most things (especially when they didn't involve water), and his communication skills were still far below what was required for a healthy and functional relationship._

 _And it was this lack of communication that lead to the ridiculous assumptions that had cultivated their first fight, which resulted in a screaming match between them in his living room._

 _Caught in his rage, Haru said something that had truly infuriated her – and the noise that followed her palm connecting with his face, snapped through the air like live wire and silenced them both._

" _Don't you ever–" she spoke after a heavy minute, "–speak to me like that again!"_

 _Gou found herself regretting her actions immediately, by the way his shoulders tensed and his fists clenched at his sides._

 _But Haru remained still, with his head bowed low – not even moving to tend his reddened cheek that was now stinging like a sonofabitch._

 _In hindsight, he shouldn't have been surprised that Rin's little sister could deliver such a devastating blow._

 _Gou took a wary step backwards, her other hand nursing the palm that was still tingling with surprise. "Haru–"_

"– _Hit me again," he interrupted her. "Harder, this time."_

 _She simply gaped at him._

" _W–what?"_

 _In one short stride, Haru snatched up her wrist and brought her flattened palm to the cheek she had just assaulted._

" _Hit me again," he repeated._

 _Gou shied away, pulling her arm from his grasp._

" _I don't want to."_

" _Kou–"_

"– _No!"_

" _Just do it!"_

" _Why?!"_

" _Because–!" his voice rose, dangerously out of control. "–Because I deserve it!"_

 _She kept a gasp from escaping, but was surprised nonetheless._

 _This was an apology of some sort – and Gou knew that he absolutely meant it, because Haru can't fake emotions like most people can._

" _No," she fell into his chest. "You don't."_

 _Her shoulders shook with her muffled sobs and Haru brought his arms around her tightly, burying his face into her neck._

 _When he feels her try to pull away, he stops her with a kiss – one with urgency so startling that she is floored by its intensity._

" _H–Haru–?" she tried to intervene, but he swallowed her protests, lowering her onto the couch to worship every inch of her._

' _I'm sorry, I'm sorry,' he repeated, over and over in his head, 'I'm sorry, I'm so_ fucking _sorry,'_

 _He was so lost in his kisses; he didn't realize he was saying the words out loud._

 _He ripped into uniform and thrust her clothes aside rather wait to remove them, and lost himself inside of her until he brought them both to a shattering release._

 _They clung to each other for dear life, and it felt like they were healing._

" _I love you, I love you…" he whispers, just as obsessively as his apologies, and the look of vulnerability etched into his beautiful eyes makes her heart leap from her chest._

" _I love you," she replies, burying her face into his shoulder. "And I'm sorry too."_

* * *

A week after they broke up, Gou had officially quit the swim club.

After finding out that Haru wasn't turning up to practice to avoid her, she spoke to Amakata-sensei and resigned as the teams manager – because no matter how much she had loathed him at the time, Gou did not have the heart to deprive Haru of the one thing he loved most in the world.

But because their school required her participate at least one extracurricular activity, Hana convinced her to join the school's cross-country team, even though she hated running.

She had purposefully missed the last few practices for that very reason, but turned up to this one because she hadn't seen or heard from her best friend in a couple of days.

Sure enough, Gou caught sight of Hana on the other side of the quad, stretching.

She called out to her, but to her surprise, the girl picked herself up off the ground and began running in the opposite direction.

"H–Hana-chan! Wait!" Gou cried, struggling to talk and run at the same time. "S–Slow down! Where have you been–?"

"–I saw you kiss Makoto-senpai," Hana hissed over her shoulder.

She was always one to get straight to the point.

Gou's legs stuttered to a halt. "W–What?"

"You heard me – by the pool the other day?" she prompted, rolling her eyes at Gou's doe-eyed expression. "Don't look at me like that, you know what I'm talking about!"

Gou's fingers flew up to her mouth in dismay. "Y–You saw that?"

"Yes, Gou – what were you _thinking_?!" she scolded her, unexpectedly.

"Y–You're not mad…?"

"No, I'm not _mad_ ," Hana responded with impatience, though she paused to reevaluate her answer. "…Okay, I'm a _little_ bit mad, but I'll get over it."

Gou wanted to hug the girl, but was hindered by the stern look she was receiving from her.

"Right now–" Hana continued strictly, "–I'm more concerned about what was going through your head when you decided to kiss your ex-boyfriends _best friend_!"

Gou shrunk back in disgrace.

Reluctantly, she explained to Hana how she had gone to see Makoto that day like she had asked, and how he had been the one to kiss her, after confessing that he had feelings for her instead.

Gou was sure to clarify that she had not intended for it to happen, nor did she want it to – though she left out the part about how she slept with him and then cried in his arms for hours afterwards…

"So what's happening, are you two dating now?" Hana pressed, with only the slightest detectable annoyance.

"No, we talked and agreed that it was a bad idea," Gou replied, a little sadness seeping into her tone.

She recalled the disappointment in Makoto's face when they spoke, and how he tried to hide it behind his gentle understanding.

He dealt with her and the situation wonderfully, and she had felt very undeserving of his kindness.

Hana pressed: "but what will you do when Nanase-san finds out?"

"I…I don't know," Gou responded, unsurely.

She just hoped he never would.

"Well, you'll need to get your stories straight–" Hana pointed over her shoulder, "–because he's just arrived and I think he's looking for you."

Gou spun her head around to find Haruka standing by the quad entrance and staring straight at her.

Without intending to, their eyes locked and to her dismay, he took that as cue to begin walking in her direction.

Gou swore under her breath and turned to her friend in panic.

"What do you think he wants?!"

"To talk to you, probably, who else would he be here for?"

"About _what_?"

Hana swallowed and deflected her eyes.

"Okay…so I might have...told a _few_ people about you and Makoto-senpai…" she confessed.

The blood freezing in her veins caused Gou's entire face to pale with devastation.

Since her break up with Haru, Gou knew very well of how fast gossip and rumours spread throughout their school like wildfire.

She opened her mouth but could not produce a single sound.

"I'm sorry, Gou!" Hana blathered. "I was so angry with you – I needed to vent to someone! I thought I trusted them and–"

"–Kou," a dauntingly familiar voice interrupted her apology.

Gou had to discipline every ounce of her inner-strength into maintaining composure.

"Nanase-san," she turned around to greet him civilly, though Haru had to steel his expression at her address. "Don't you have practice now?"

"I wanted to speak with you first," he said, sending an unwelcoming look towards Hana lingering close behind her.

He emphasized:

"Alone."

Hana could not have left her side quicker.

Gou wasn't sure if she felt thankful or betrayed by her departure.

"You look…tired," Haru then said to her, as if he had absolutely nothing to do with it.

She allowed herself a mirthless scoff, deciding that his statement did not deserve a dignified answer.

"So, you…joined the cross country team," Haru was never good at small talk. "Why? You can't run–"

"–Did you come all the way out here just to insult me, Nanase-san?"

Haru glowered at her unappreciatively.

"Drop the 'Nanase-san,'" he demanded in a clipped tone. "Come with me. We should talk somewhere else."

In her shameless fixation on the boy, Gou did not register the small audience that they had attracted.

She followed him blindly out of the quad and found herself in the first-year locker room that was adequately deserted.

There was nowhere to sit, nowhere to really stand comfortably, or any pieces of furniture that she could put between them.

Gou felt defenseless, but she stubbornly refused to be intimidated by him.

Finally alone, she demanded what it was that he wanted with an upturned chin – reminding him to make it quick because they both had practice to get back to.

"I wanted to know if it was true," Haru replied neutrally, and despite her best efforts, Gou struggled to control the unsteadiness in her voice.

"W–What's true?"

"You know what I mean," he replied, without any expression at all, and Gou was shattered by his behaviour.

The man standing before her wasn't the Haru she fell in love with.

He was the Haru from two years ago, before they formed the swim team – the Haru before _her_.

She wondered if he could hear her heart cracking in two.

"No, I'm afraid don't," she responded shortly, and the boy frowned at her stubbornness, in that way that he did when she was being too much effort for him to manage.

Unexpectedly however, Haru crossed towards her; close enough for him to reach out and let his fingers brush along her cheekbone.

"I didn't mean what I said earlier," he spoke apologetically, figuring that she was acting this way because of what he said.

"W–What…?" Gou stammered.

"That you looked tired…"

She expected him to elaborate, but instead he leant in close as if he were going to kiss her, and breathing becomes an optional function.

His lips ghost at the corners of her mouth and across jaw, barely there but enough for her nerve endings to fire warning signals to an unresponsive brain.

His hands are bold in contrast, finding her curves easily though her shapeless tracksuit with practiced expertise.

They were hands that could reel in miles of thoughts and memories that played before her eyes at a thousand times speed.

"H–Haru, wait…"

Everything he did to her was _almost_ , was not quite _enough_.

 _This isn't fair_ , Gou thought helplessly, and he knew this wasn't fair, because like this, he could make her do anything he wanted.

She was so lost in him that she almost didn't hear him speak.

"What happened between you and Makoto?" he questioned in the midst of his caresses.

She could barely summon her voice to respond.

"W–What? N–nothing, I–!"

He let his teeth graze against her earlobe, successfully sending her heart into overdrive.

She moaned his first name and he smiled.

"–Are you sure?"

"Y–Yes!"

Seemingly satisfied with her answer, Haru unzipped her red tracksuit jacket at an agonizingly slow speed and shrugged it over her shoulders, lettingit fall into a heap on the floor behind them.

His hands circled her waist and rest at the small of her back, dragging her body against his as he trailed his warm kisses along her the length of her neck.

She was in heaven – but suddenly, he stopped – and the lurching in her stomach is similar to that of falling from great heights.

He pulled away from her so abruptly that her body chilled at his departure.

With vacant eyes, Haru studied the purpled marks over her collarbone and across the tops of her breasts – and is able to tell for certain that he was not the one who had left them there.

Gou knew she had her tracksuit zipped all the way up to her neck for a reason.

"What–"

"–Haru, I–"

"–did you do?"

He cut into her excuses with such ruthless, icy precision that Gou was rendered temporarily speechless.

"You slept with him, didn't you?" he accused, and she couldn't quite bring herself to respond.

Keeping her mouth shut was the only way she could cope with the sickness stirring inside of her.

"Kou, answer me," he urged her nonetheless, but the way her lashes downcast to screen her guilty eyes was answer enough.

His fist collided with a locker so hard; he dented the metal.

"I can't believe this…!"

She flinched at the harsh sounds.

" _Why_ …?!" he shouted, " _how could you_ …?!" he demanded, and Gou went to explain herself, ready to beg for his forgiveness – but was stopped by a belated torrent of outrage that harshly reminded her that she had absolutely nothing to be sorry about.

In an instant, Gou regretted her guilty reaction, and finally relocated her tongue.

"I–" she defended, her voice wavering despite her efforts. "–I'm not sorry."

Haru spun around and glared at her, as if she had insulted his precious water-sama.

There was nothing but anger etched into his lean features, an anger that only further sparked her own.

" _What_?" he breathed, his voice low, dark and completely unlike him.

"I'm _not_ sorry," Gou spoke a little louder, a little more resolute. "And why should I be? You broke up with me, Haru; I can do whatever I want! You can't make me feel bad about this! You can't go around acting like – like you own me because I'm not yours anymore, Haru! You made it _very_ clear that you didn't want me!"

By the time she's finished speaking, the floors, walls and ceilings were all blending into one with the moisture building in her eyes.

Gou did not know where all this bitterness had come from, but it had been there all along and waiting for some form of release.

To her surprise, Haru doesn't go to respond and for several minutes, Gou found herself searching his face for an apology that never comes.

His impassivity is far more devastating than any words he could have slung back at her.

His cruelty absolutely astounded her.

 _Please say something_.

"I…I need to go," he responded her unspoken request, though it's far from answer she had wanted.

* * *

 _The book in his lap was just for show, the methodological turning of pages veiling the 'more-than-occasional glances' at the figure of loveliness that rested on the end of his bed._

 _Gou was lying on her stomach, absentmindedly flicking through the pages of a glossy magazine and completely unaware of him watching her._

" _Neh, Haru…"_

 _She spoke, and he hastily lowered his eyes back down to his book so that she would not tease him for staring._

"… _What would you do if I broke up with you?"_

" _W–What?" the boy bolted upright, alarmed. "Y–You want to – break up with me?!"_

 _His girlfriend rolled onto her side to face him, lifting a hand to stifle a giggle behind compressed pink lips._

" _No, of course not!" she was quick to assure. "It was a hypothetical question."_

 _Haru's whole upper body relaxed, though he continued in regarding her with skeptical eyes._

" _And I suppose you want me to say that I'd be 'lost' and 'depressed' without you?"_

 _Laughing, Gou crawled over the bed towards him, delighting in the way his throat flashed when she did._

" _Maybe_ … _"_

 _She took the book from his lap, settling herself on it instead._

"… _But honestly, I just want to know."_

 _Haru gathered her into his arms and rested his chin on the top of her head._

 _They existed in comfortable silence for such a long time that Gou thought he had disregarded her question completely._

" _I don't know how to answer that," Haru finally spoke._

 _She tilted her head up to him in question._

" _What do you mean?"_

 _He was looking over her and at the far wall in deep concentration, taking her inquiry far more seriously than she had intended._

" _Because if you ever tried to break up with me," he elaborated, "I'd try my hardest to convince you otherwise."_

 _Gou pressed her face into his neck to hide the growing smile on her face._

" _And if I liked someone else?" she challenged boldly._

 _He pulled away to look at her, a dark expression crossing over his features in silent warning._

 _Gou couldn't help but roll her eyes._

" _Hypothetical, Haru," she reminded him and the blue-eyed boy exhaled with impatience, pulling her even closer than before._

" _I don't like these hypothetical questions," he grumbled. "But it would be the same answer. I'm not letting you go without a fight."_

* * *

For Nagisa, it was as traumatizing as watching his own parents fight.

Everyone had guessed that something was wrong when Haru didn't turn up for practice that day, only deciding to make an appearance just as everyone was getting changed to go home.

The clubroom door burst open and he had charged through it with murderous intent.

"Makoto!" Haru bellowed, though his friend seemed to overlook his obvious incensement.

"Ah, Haru," Makoto greeted him as normal. "Where have you been? You missed–"

The end of that sentence was cut off by a fist connecting with his jaw.

Caught off guard, Makoto stumbled backwards.

He had not regained his footing before another came flying at him.

"I can't believe you–!"

With every senseless blow, Haru was belting expletives and accusations that Nagisa could not believe, but Makoto did not deny.

"–Haru-chan, _stop_!"

The fists kept flying but Makoto refused to fight back – he downright _refused_ to hit Haru – instead, utilizing his superior height and weight in attempt to block his punches.

In his frustration, Haru lunged at him and both fell to the ground, tumbling over each other for dominance.

Haru clambered on top of him, and grabbing at his collar, lifted his head by the neck and slammed it back down onto the concrete with a thud that made everyone feel sick.

"HARU-CHAN, THAT IS ENOUGH!" Nagisa screamed through tears he didn't even know were falling.

But Haru wasn't listening.

He kept hitting Makoto until his knuckles were covered in his blood – until Nagisa was begging for Rei to intervene.

They often overlooked how strong Rei could be.

His pole-vaulting past made it quite effortless for him to pull the two apart, managing to push Makoto aside to recover whilst restraining Haru back by the arms.

"You're supposed to be my best friend!" he kept shouting. "You're supposed to be my _best friend_!"

Makoto wiped at his bloodied lip.

"I could say the same, Haru!" he spat, and Haru glared back at him with an almost savage derision.

"What the _hell_ is that supposed to mean?!" he seethed.

"You think Gou's the only one upset at you for leaving?!" Makoto slung back at him heatedly.

"What?!"

" _I'm_ angry at you, Haru, we're _all_ angry at you!"

Struck dumb, Haru's eyes shot towards Nagisa for confirmation.

The younger boy turned away from his questioning gaze and he even felt Rei loosen his grip with dejection.

"Why didn't you tell anyone?" Makoto continued, his voice a softer but still jaded with his rage. "Did you just think you could up and leave without saying anything?"

"I was gonna–"

"–I've known you my whole life, Haru, and I had to hear that you're moving from some girl–"

"–Fuck you, Makoto, she isn't just _some girl_!"

The silence that followed Haru's outburst was somewhat of a relief.

It was a short time to recover, to calm down and reflect upon their actions.

Haru looked at what he did to Makoto, and the guilt is almost unbearable.

"I…I wanted to stay, okay?" he confessed rigidly. "I was thinking about not going at all. I hadn't really made my mind up yet…that's why I didn't tell anyone. But Kou found the plane ticket and I didn't know how to explain…"

Because no one knew how lonely Haruka really was.

He hid it well.

Ever since his grandmother's death, Haru had existed in that house by himself. His family had lived abroad for most of his life, and for a long time, there was nothing more that he wanted but to join them.

But when the opportunity came, he hesitated.

The years passed and he had grown.

He had a new family now, and his once empty house was lived in by these people who would visit/break in whenever they saw fit.

He made memories, regained his passion for swimming, and fell in love with a girl who made him feel like he didn't need anyone else in the world.

"…I was considering staying for her," he completed; the gravity of his final statement weighing him down, that he fell limp in Rei's grasp.

"So what are you gonna do now?" Makoto asked the question that was on everybody's minds. "Are you still gonna go?"

Haru did not have to speak for him to gauge his answer, because as always, he could read his thoughts as well as his own.

And the simple way those blue eyes narrowed and averted at his question, told Makoto everything he needed to know.

* * *

 _She was giggling, so much that he thought she might be drunk._

 _Though she couldn't have been – not even close – as they hadn't been seated at their table long enough to order anything before they were kicked out of the restaurant, and told never to return._

 _Gou walked along the pavement with a skip in her step and Haru watched after her with his hands buried deep inside his pockets._

" _The managers face–" she said brokenly though fits of laughter, "–when he saw you strip and try and get into the lobster tank…!"  
_

 _She clutched at her sides at the mere memory of it._

"… _Oh god, it was priceless!"_

 _When Haru didn't say anything in response, Gou slowed her pace to let him catch up with her._

 _She went to poke him in the side when he did._

" _That's another restaurant that's banned us for life!" she teased. "Now I know how Makoto-senpai must feel all the time…!"_

 _His breathing caught at that, but Gou didn't seem to notice his stiffness._

"… _From now on, I think I'm going to have to research which restaurants have fish tanks before–!"_

 _Haru cut her off by pulling at her arm mid-stride, his movements so sudden that she yelped and staggered backwards into his chest._

 _He took advantage of her disorientation – and clasping her delicate jaw with his hand; tilted her head up towards him for a kiss that was completely unexpected, but not in the least bit unwelcome._

 _Their lips parted at only centimeters; that his breath still fanned over her face when he spoke._

" _I'm sorry," he murmured, his voice as serious as ever._

" _You know I don't care,"Gou said softly._

" _But you've wanted to eat there for ages."_

" _It doesn't matter."_

 _Exhaling deeply, Haru cupped her face in his hands and rested his forehead against hers._

" _I don't understand how you put up with me."_

 _Gou smiled and leant her cheek into his touch._

" _Because I love everything about you," she said. "Even the things I don't understand."_

* * *

Haru exited his homeroom class the following morning, and was blinded by a tide of red hair rushing past him, without as much as a glance in his direction.

He blinked, wondering if he had imagined it, before letting his eyes follow in the course where she had run.

"Makoto-senpai! he heard her call, and wished that he didn't look.

Gou was reaching up to Makoto's face, lightly touching his split lip and his blackened left eye that he could hardly hold open.

Haru caught her apologies on his behalf, and heard her express her uttermost disgust for his actions.

Typically, Makoto brushed off her concerns, saying that it was 'nothing,' even though he was trying his best not to wince underneath her fingers.

He watched as she apologized nonetheless, blaming herself most of all, and sobbing, press her face into Makoto's chest and letting her small frame become engulfed in his arms and Haru couldn't let himself see anymore.

He pushed past the crowd lingering by the doorway and commotion is loud enough to bring the couple apart.

Gou followed after him immediately; "Nanase-san!"

 _So now you notice me._

His walking pace is more of a light jog for Gou and she's out of breath in seconds.

Her frustration peaked when she is practically screaming his name but he continued to act as if she is invisible.

"What the _hell_ is the matter with you?! she yelled at his back. "Why are you acting like this?"

He continued walking, hands buried deep in his pockets.

"Why would you do that to Makoto-senpai?" she demanded, successfully bringing him to a standstill. "He's been nothing but good to you his whole life–!"

"–It's none of your business, Kou," he spun around to look at her, with glittering eyes that seemed unable comprehend the significance of her outrage.

Because unlike Makoto, Gou never achieved full grasp on the goings on of his mind.

The trick was to stop trying – where the things Haru said and did just made sense to her eventually – but even then, there were still some things he would do that she could never really understand.

"I hate you for this!" she raked at him, every word she spat like acid from her throat. "I'll never forgive you–!"

"–I don't care," came his casual, unemotional statement.

Her response is delayed by several minutes and comes as unexpected to both of them.

The tickle in her throat feels like another Haru-induced sob, but what escapes is an uncontrollable laughter that she is unable to explain.

She laughed so much that her sides began to hurt.

Haru is just as confused by her reaction as she is.

"Right, of course you don't," she spoke sarcastically, her shoulders still shaking from the hysteria. "You don't care about me at all, do you–?"

"–Stop it," he cut her off with impatience, but it only made her laugh even more.

Because why was she the only one who had to cry?

Why was it only her that was wallowing in the remnants of their relationship, whilst Haru could so easily switch off every emotion, and act as if nothing between them ever mattered?

Gou spread her hands over her mouth in attempt to stop the giggles, laughing mirthlessly at the trenchant awakening that Haru didn't give a _damn_ about her, and how _pathetic_ she was to think that he ever did.

"I give up," she finally managed to say, her hands falling lifelessly at her sides.

Haru startled, his mouth hanging open to the slightest degree.

"What is the point anymore?" Gou sighed. "You don't love me – you never have. I don't see why I have to spend another second crying over–"

"–Kou, _stop it_."

Haru took an unwelcome step towards to her and her feet become soldered to the ground.

His hand went to cup her jaw in that way that he did, and tilting her head, forced her eyes to look into his own.

There was nothing but loathing and resentment in their gazes, both of them knowing full well that he's leaving next week – and, at that moment, the day couldn't be coming any sooner.

"You can hate me, say what you want about me," Haru breathed lowly. "But don't _ever_ assume what I feel because even after two years, you still don't understand a _single_ _thing_ about me."

Dumbfounded, Gou was left beyond thought, beyond anything but the simple reaction of moisture damming up behind her eyelids.

She thinks that the pained expression on Haru's face is deceiving, but the pain he feels is actually very real.

He made her cry again, and he can't stand it.

But with nothing left to say to her, nothing that he could say to make the tears go away, Haru turned his heel to leave – taking with him, the strength in her legs.

* * *

 _It had started with the little things._

 _The occasional stray tube of lip-gloss. A forgotten shoujo manga novel lost in between the cushions of his couch._

 _Haru didn't consider himself a neat freak, but he was a tidy boy._

 _He kept his house clean and orderly, but that wasn't much of a chore because he was the only one living in it._

 _They hit six months of dating when everything seemed to snowball._

 _By then, Gou had accumulated her own space in his wardrobe for her clothes. She assumed a side of his bed which she claimed was 'hers.'_

 _She had even taken it upon herself to decorate the place – littering every possible surface with picture frames of stolen moments, stacks of magazines and bowls of potpourri._

 _Haru was forever finding things in his bathroom that definitely did not belong to him._

 _There were pink razors left along the edge of his bathtub, and bottles of scented shampoos and shower gels. His bathroom shelf was overtaken with an array of makeup removers, skincare products, and even–_

"– _Kou, what are these?" he had asked one day, holding up a small box he found in the cupboard underneath his sink._

" _Tampons," she replied, offhandedly._

" _O–Oh…"_

 _But Haru didn't mind as much as he thought he would._

 _His house wasn't exactly messy with her around, just a little more…_

… _lived in._

 _Gou would even make herself at home in his kitchen._

 _She was cooking their dinner and donning a pair of over-ear headphones, connected to an iPod that was carelessly shoved into the back pocket of her jeans._

 _The music so loud that she wasn't aware of the volume of her voice, singing along to the verses with disjointed lyrics, and then belting out the chorus word for word._

 _Haru came up behind her, startling her when he slipped the headphones from her ears and rested them around her neck._

 _He wrapped his arms around her waist and protested; "that doesn't smell like mackerel."_

 _She laughed and sank into his chest, letting him support the majority of her slight weight._

" _That's because it's not!" she said with a rebellious twinge. "I thought we'd try something different today!" and Haru heaved a sigh._

 _Matsuoka Gou was turning his whole life upside down._

 _But he wouldn't have it any other way._

* * *

The final days leading up to Haru's departure are the worst, because they both feel as if it's crept up on them too fast, and neither of them feel as if they are prepared for it.

Gou doesn't know what to expect.

She had hoped that they would talk, reconcile, that she could have some closure like everyone advised. She wanted something memorable, something that could stay with her forever, like a handwritten letter and flowers proffered at her doorstep.

Gou knows that this is highly unlikely however, because Haruka wasn't the kind of guy who would do something so corny.

But to her surprise, the day just before he leaves, Haru does turn up at her doorstep – not with flowers, a love letter or an acoustic guitar, but a cardboard moving box with her name on it.

She has to blink twice to confirm it's really him.

"H–Haru?"

The boys were helping him pack that afternoon, and Nagisa had compiled a box of stray articles of clothing; girly magazines, toiletries and tampons, and had labeled it: " _Gou's Stuff_."

Haru had crossed out the ' _G_ ' and replaced it with a ' _K_ ' because he knew it would annoy her.

He had asked Makoto to deliver it to her after he left, but the boy had downright refused, jokingly telling Haru to do his own 'dirty work.'

He's looking down at the box and not at her as he explained: "I've brought the stuff you left at my place."

He handed it to her silently and Gou realised with a humorless laugh that Haru was leaving tomorrow, and his parting sentiment is a box full of her own crap.

"Thanks," she murmured emptily.

She anticipated that he'd leave immediately after the task, but he loitered at her doorstep long enough for her to believe that he came for something else.

"C–Can I help you with anything?" she prompted, but he still couldn't bring himself to look her in the eye.

"I was wondering if I could get my swimsuit back. The ones I left here."

Gou found herself suppressing a sigh, although she didn't what she had expected him to say that caused her to feel so disappointed.

She invited him in and they made their way to her bedroom, where Haru waited for her at her doorway; a boundary set by the change in carpet color.

Gou sifted through her dresser and produced a pair of his trademark black and purple swimming trunks that she's reluctant to part with.

Haru has over twelve pairs of what were essentially the same swimsuit, so she can't see why he couldn't leave her with this one last thing.

"They all fit different," he explained, apparently reading her mind.

The smile on her face is strained. "I know, you always say."

"Those are my favorite," Haru justified needlessly. "They're the ones I bought when we took Rei shopping for his first swimsuit…"

He was lingering again and Gou doesn't know what else he could possibly want from her.

"Haru–"

"–I'm leaving tomorrow," he interrupted, like she doesn't already know.

Her smile wavered slightly.

"I know."

An abrupt silence spread throughout the room, thick and impenetrable.

Haru's fists clenched by his sides.

"D…Don't I get a proper goodbye?" he says, attempting to make his tone of voice lighthearted even though the word 'goodbye' didn't seem quite real to either of them.

With more than a seconds hesitation, Gou moved towards him and savoured the feel of him enveloping her with his arms, even though her own were bent up against her chest, providing a barrier between their hearts.

She inhaled that wonderful mixture of deodorant, chlorine and laundry detergent, and misses him already.

Their embrace must have lasted no longer than five seconds but Gou felt she overstayed her welcome.

She muttered something about how she 'hopes he has a safe journey' and tried to tear her self away, but Haru's hands drop down from her shoulders and cupped the sides of her hips achingly, to keep her in place.

The movement is all too familiar, and Gou is all too accustomed to lifting her head and letting the balls of her feet roll forward to reach up those last couple of inches that separate her lips from his.

The kiss he offered her was devastating because she can feel the finality behind it.

It was gentle and passionate all at the same time, where his hands drag her close but hold her as if she is as fragile as spun glass.

Her own slide up his chest and over his shoulders, resting on the back of his neck as she blissfully lost herself in him – so lost that she does not register him moving them towards the bed – until he sent her staggering backwards and landing on top of her mattress with a double bounce.

He was on top of her so fast that she hadn't a hope in the world of evading him.

"Haru, wait–!"

The raw force of his mouth on hers silenced her and he doesn't pull away until she is literally too breathless to protest.

He knows her too well, she thinks – he knows all the places that make her gasp, that make her toes curl – and is only able to grasp that things have gone out of hand when he's pushing her legs apart and moving himself between them.

She craned her neck away from his lips.

"No, Haru!" she flailed underneath him. "Don't you _dare_ think you're getting one last round in before you leave!"

He emits an impatient growl, crushing his hips against hers until her protests no longer match the way her body is reacting to his.

The next thing she knows, she's tearing at the buttons of his shirt and shoving his jeans down his thighs.

His head finds its way under her skirt and his tongue is doing things that makes her curse and wonder why, oh god, why, is he so _good_ at this?

Their bodies parted only long enough to dispense of the last of their clothing

His mouth came down on the soft mounds of her chest and she arched her back just enough for him to slip underneath her and unclasp her bra with his treacherous, dexterous hands.

He looked down at her then – with unmistakable distaste.

Caught in the moment, Gou was unable to immediately fathom why he glared at her like that, and why he then flipped her over onto her stomach – only understanding afterwards that it was so that he would not have to look at the bruises Makoto had left on her skin.

Though the marks had almost faded, along with the cuts and wounds of their friendship, the topic was still a sour one that Haru did not want to be reminded of.

He loomed over her, powerful, possessive hands tracing and shaping the inward curves of her waist and hips.

He pulled on her ponytail painfully, guiding her onto her hands and knees and making her arch her back for him.

His teeth grazed along the back of her neck, fingers toying with the heat between her legs, before replacing them with something hard, smooth and felt like home.

He drove himself into her mercilessly, rising over her with his hands on top of hers, his hips snapping forwards in unforgivable movement.

"Oh god!" she cried, "oh my _god–_!"

A hand instantly came to cover her mouth to muffle her screams.

"–My name," he breathed next to her ear, "is _Haruka_."

He wants to hear her scream his name because that is who she belongs to, and doing so, is unbelievably rough with her, pounding against her arching frame with powerful thrusts that strove to reduce her to his compliance.

He feels apart from her, distant, despite the closeness of their bodies.

They're doing this for all the wrong reasons and all of a sudden, Gou wants to stop.

She's crying out but he's not listening to her, so with all of her strength, she crawled away and leaves him gritting his teeth after her in frustration.

She didn't get very far up the bed before he caught her by the ankle, trapping the hands that flew up immediately to strike him.

Pinning them down by her head, Haru shifted to settle himself over her, his chest heaving, his eyes pleading:

"Kou," his voice cracked at her name. "Don't...don't you like this? Don't you want me anymore?"

Gou opened her mouth to rebuke him and he closed his eyes against her inevitable rejection.

The words catch in her throat when she registers the desperation impressed across his handsome face.

It kindles something in her – an overwhelming realisation that she needs this just as much as he does – and for the briefest, _stupidest_ moment, Gou forgives him entirely.

"Of…of course I do," she hears herself say, though he doesn't quite believe her until she's reaching up to kiss him again. "I love you so much, Haru, you know that…"

His whole body shudders at her acceptance.

The second time he enters her is nothing like the first because he holds her like he's scared to lose her again.

He keeps her as close as possible, their breaths mingling and their damp skin sliding over one other in a way that it was difficult to tell where she stopped and he began.

Haru rolled over and carried her with him, and taking her hips, brought her crashing down onto him in one fluid movement.

With hands braced on his shoulders, Gou moved on top of him, throwing her head back senselessly at how incredible he feels, loving the way he's watching in complete and utter of awe of her.

"You're perfect," he spoke with intense satisfaction, and he can tell her that a million times over and Gou would never get used to it.

He thrusted upwards into her, and she can feel her pleasure spiking.

The fractured syllables of his first name travelling through the air are like music to his ears.

She's driving him insane and he doesn't it mind one bit.

Pressing her back down onto the mattress, Haru buried himself inside of her for the final time, striving to send her out of her mind with every deepening movement of his hips.

He reared over her and she's so close it's unbearable, but entwined with the temporary satisfaction is the dread that this is the best it'll ever get, that everything from here on out is downwards and downhill for the both of them.

Gou clung to him and that moment for all that it's worth and it doesn't disappoint.

Haru stifled her screams with his mouth and she can taste her own name in his throat.

"Kou…!"

His hips come to a stuttering halt and his beautiful body heaving on top of hers and his breath coming harshly as he asked if she is okay over and over again.

Gou feels her eyes pricking because she's more than just 'okay' – because right then, everything between them is exactly how it should be.

Warm hands cup at her cheeks, thumbing away the moisture forming at the corners or her eyes.

"All I ever seem to do is make you cry," he said despairingly, and Gou allows herself to be honest with him for a change.

"I just…I don't want you to go."

He leant his forehead against hers.

"I know."

"Then _stay_ ," she begged, letting the tears fall and slide along her temples.

He shook his head and it wrenches a sob from her throat.

"You used to say you'd do anything for me," she wept, and Haru's heart absolutely broke with the weight of her truth.

"I…I would."

But way he kissed her then, so gently and so full of love, told her without words:

 _Just not this._

Their final moment is followed by the immanent need to get away from each other.

Silence fell at their abrupt detachment, and the room temperature drops several degrees.

Haru rolled onto his side with back to her, bunching up a pillow to hug it to his chest, telling himself that it's because he's cold, and not because his arms feel empty without her in them.

Gou lay exactly where he left her, exhausted – physically and emotionally – but fights against the need for sleep because a feeling in her gut tells her that he won't be there when she wakes up.

Her tired mind tells her that he'd leave regardless.

So with nothing left for her to do, Gou turned her tearful profile and stares pleadingly his back, willing him to turn around and tell her that things will be okay – that they'll work it out somehow.

But Haru couldn't even speak, even if he wanted to.

The way his lungs are fighting for air reminds him of the time when he was twelve and he almost drowned in a river by his house.

He remembered the helpless and increasing panic, the shooting aches in his chest that spread throughout his whole upper body, as it battled to function on the last of his oxygen.

He remembered the struggle, the silent screams that no one could hear – every single detail until the final moment where he lost consciousness, when he stopped fighting and just…

Let go.

It was a grim parallel, but he feels exactly that way now.

Maybe not the same immediate and blinding pain that he experienced, but drowning in a slower, more agonizing way – that was arguably just as excruciating and felt like dying all the same.

Because this time, there was no use struggling, no hope of being saved.

Haru needs to let her go.

And it feels just like drowning.


End file.
